WELCOME!!!!!! I see a rabid moose behind you!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I wont just settle.....	Sep. 19th, 2004 @ 05:04 pm

I have those moments where I feel inadequate and not good enough for people. why do I honestly feel that way sometimes? I just dont know. Well, I do....For example, I was at the King of Prussia Mall yesterday and just being at some of the stores made me feel so out of place and lackluster in comparision to some of the people that were there. I hate feeling that way because I know I am not some piece of shit but just being there and soaking in the vibe in these stores...not a feeling I like. I am me and I will do things my own way and despite those feelings I experienced I know that I need to just go with the flow. I am me and I know that my perspectives will change over the next couple of years but jusr because I am evolving doesnt meant that I am going to settle for being someone I am not. For a while now, being myself has been wonderful so there is no chance in hell that I am going to suppress my individuality. Settling? I wont settle for it. I have realized that are some issues and emotions that need some healing right now and I need to reevaluate my vision for romance and life in general. Sometimes my perspective is blurred and confused but with time, the focus will become clear so I will not worry.

Some days I miss you Kurtis...immensely and I think today may be one of those days. I miss how genuine our relationship really was and how I was so comfortable around you. I never had to supress anything with you.

I really hope to find something like that again. I know that one day I can and that day will come.

This is the last time I remained confused about the love issue....

This time is the last time....

On another note, the weather is great. Fall is here.

Current Mood:

confused

Current Music: "This is the last time" by Mae

La.......la la la la........Ole and C is for cookie!	Sep. 17th, 2004 @ 01:15 pm

I am having a good day today. As of late things are going quite well and my mood has gone from sad lamenting type person to happy and crazy again. I am glad that things have started to look up and I am just happy to be living my life and going with the flow. I love eating brunch with my friends. Today me and Amanda were singing the C is for cookie song. It was hilarious. I felt so crazy doin that so I have that song stuck in my head. Then we found the key it was in and its in the key of *UGH!* LOL
We found that to be funny. I love simple things such as a cookie monster song to make my day go better. Piano class?? Bedford wasnt there and we had some lasy that annoyed me. I am definitely going to do what I can to get out of those piano classes and to the piano performance things. Oivey!!! Please play this stupid scale that you already know. ARGH!!!! Well I am done with classes for the day and I think I am jamming today but who knows. I hope this weekend is fun because that would rock. My mom and sister are coming this weekend. WOOT!!!! Well I really dont have much to say so I will leave with this.

C is for cookie!!!! Everyone should know that song!!!!1

Current Mood:

content

Current Music: "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster

I am ready......	Sep. 14th, 2004 @ 05:51 pm

Well I am doing much better now and am ready to face all that lies ahead. I am just going to live and do what I do best which is to go with the flow. I can't give up now because I haven't started yet and with the outlook I was having before I would have gone nowhere. Today is the day where I begin to live. The funny part is that I was in the shower while this epiphany came into mind. This experience is one where I will be pushed to the limits of my potential and character and once those limits have been reached, I will be asked to go further than what was reached. I just feel different about things today. Hopefully I can make the most of this new outlook and really stop worrying about being good enough for people or wanting something to happen at the drop of a hat. Life doesnt happen that way. I have accepted where I am at this current stage in my life and am ready to begin at this point. Other than that things are beginning to look up in my world so only time will tell.

Now as for dumb people who laugh because they have hacked into my livjournal, remember that just because I am here doesnt mean that I wont be back to visit. If I find out it was you and you do it again, when I visit the school your head will become best friends with the wall so stop now or....*read above*

On another note, my mom and sister are comin down Saturday so if anyone wants to come down with them let me know and we can arrange something. Well guys........life is good and people smell and I like soup and I am rambling......the joys of youth......no more of this old man stress.

Sometimes I make no sense

=)

Current Mood:

hopeful

	Sep. 13th, 2004 @ 11:39 pm

blah!

Other entries

» (No Subject)

I find it funny that people are amazed that I have perfect pitch. Its the funniest thing. The subject of perfect pitch came up during lunch when Lauren was using a pitch pipe and I started naming pitches. It was funny because she was very amazed and I was like ok whatever. I never really thought about it. I guess it just comes natural. At least having perfect pitch saves me a lot of trouble in aurals class. Gotta love ear training. Anywho I am feeling a lot better and am less congested and stuffy. I'm still feeling a little blue but its ok because I know that everything will be ok. Thanks Tracy for the comment. It helps when you have people that know what you are going through. Gotta love best friends. All this is righ now is a test of character. Its a test of all my beliefs and self doubts. This test plans to push me out of comfort zones into better waters so I will stop worrying so much or yearning for something that isnt there. One day at a time. Now that I have felt my worst there is only one way to go.....back up. I love life and how those valleys soon turn into mountains. Now it is time for DDR so booya!!!!!!
Sep. 13th, 2004 @ 12:51 pm

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» (No Subject)

I kinda feel like crying right now and I dont know why. I guess when you randomly want to cry out of the blue then something is wrong. I feel happy but yet I dont at the same time. I feel like I am moving but I am being held back all at once. I know that I am dwelling way too much on everything but I cant help how I feel. I cant run around bein hyper Phil all the time. I cant run around with my smiley face and a box of donuts. I cant make myself be happy all the time. It is really wearing me out.......immensely and I dont know what to do. I know what I have to do but....confusing. I am just tired of feeling lonely despite the fact that I am not. I have my friends but they just arent enough for me now. I am so worn out right now. *sighs* I just wish I had someone here. Someone to talk to. Someone to hold. Someone........in this state it wont happen. I need to change. I need things to change. I want to break down and cry but I am holding back...I cant hold back anymore. I wish I could just take a break from everything right now. I just want things to get better now because I cant wait. I dont want to wait. When I wait I end up waiting way too long and before I know it I feel worse. I dont know anymore guys......
Sep. 13th, 2004 @ 12:21 am

» Well I am doin good.......I want to feel better

Well I have a headache. I am tired. I dont feel good. Being sick definitely sucks ass and I want it to go away. I should be better by Monday. My moods have been fluttering these past couple of days and that could be for a few reasons. The sickeness thing is a huge factor. I went to play piano today and I felt like a drunk man trying to play. I just couldnt focus. Even playing DDR was tough because I was so tired. I really need sleep but my body doesnt want to sleep. The whole thinkin too much is a bad thing too. I wish that went away too. Why do I have to keep feeling this way? Why do I still feel lonely despite all the kewl friends I am meeting. I just wont question things anymore. There are some moments where I ask myself what would happen if I fought to keep our love alive. What if I wasn't such a realist as far as relationships were concerned? What if I had some kind of ideals? What if I got sleep? Oivey. Despite the times where I wish we were still together, I know we need to move on and I guess thats another factor too. I am not used to this feeling. Its a tough one to deal with. I hope everything is better when I wake up because yeah...........argh.
Sep. 12th, 2004 @ 12:39 am

» Good day......feeling lonely

Today was a real good day. I woke up around 9:30 and didnt have much time to get ready so rushing was fun. I woke up not feeling real good. I probably got sick but I took some medicine for it and am doing better. I really like piano class and I really want to become an even better pianist. I am thinkin about dual majoring in vocal and piano performance. I am going to work hard and audition to get into the piano performance program. I also went and jammed for the first time in a long time and it was fun. I think music can definitely be made with Tim. Now we just have to find some more components like a bass player and probably another guitarist. Who knows. This is a process. It took some time to become accustomed to each others style but it was kewl. I had fun. Then I went to play DDR on my own and it was fun as usual. On the way home it really struck me that I feel lonely. I have my friends and they are absolutely wonderful but this type of lonely is a diferent. I miss the love thing. I know I am probably sounding like a whining brat but I dont care because I am honest and this is what I am feeling. I am feeling lonely. I need to have someone to call my own. Someone to love and cuddle. Someone to inspire me. Someone to think about. I was sad today when I was thinking about it and I really dont know what to do. I love going wit the flow but after a while the flow makes me sad........sometimes I want to cry but I will be strong. I wish.......love could find me. Is that too much to ask for?
Sep. 10th, 2004 @ 06:30 pm

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» (No Subject)

Well I am feeling really good right now. These past couple of days have been going well and I have had no reason to complain at all. Everything seems to be falling in its place and I am just going with the flow right now. I know that the whole romance thing will arrive when the timing is right but for now I have to keep living my life. I have so many wonderful things to work on and when it happens it will happen. Of course there are times where I may miss being held and miss being kissed but thats just something I will have to become accustomed to. I really dont know what else to say because I really dont have anything else to say. Well.....I do. Its really humid out. Some days I wish I had a mini air conditioner with me but no......that just sucks ass. Oh well. Whatever. Its all good. I have been feeling really creative lately.....I guess its from all the tea with crack in it. (No guys I am not on crack)....could be. Anywho, I have become bored of writing so I will leaveth now.

it would be fun to punch dumb people in the face. I cant wait to go back home and do that. *smile*

Me?...evil? Naw!! Its just a figment of your imagination.

Until then....I'll keep flowing
Sep. 9th, 2004 @ 12:05 pm

» Learning to walk on my own again....its easier to get up after bein through this already

Well today was just mellow and good. I wasn't feeling too well but that's ok because with all those dumb sick like things they eventually go away. I don't feel any different now that I am single which is definitely a good feeling. I remember the last time I came out of a relationship...well...I went a little nutso and depressed and it was a train wreck to the bottom. This time I feel the opposite. I feel wonderful but yet afraid at the same time. I want to love again but at the same time I am afraid that love wont find me again. I am afraid of falling into the same pattern and being alone for a long time again. I know there's nothin wrong with being alone but it's that basic human to be with someone. That feeling of loving someone and bein loved in return. Of course you can have love for yourself but with another person is something of a different nature. I know I am not alone but at the same time I want to be in that dimension again where I can love freely. It may sound bratty of me to want someone to love but I have always had that yearning to love since I could remember. I need people to fuel who I am. I need to have relationships with people. I need to know what love is and I just want to find a way back to it. I know that it will eventually find me and that I shouldnt run around in circles looking for love but I....just....want......it. Other than that everything is going well. I keep meeting great people today and met some awesome music majors. I dont know what it is about music people but we have that out of the world flair that only musicians have. Not just musicians but anyone creative in general. Gotta love creativity. I feel that time is beginning to go by quick here and thats a good feeling but at the same time it's a wake up call for me to get cracking on what I need to accomplish and achieve......that's a long list. I have started writing again and who knows? Maybe I'll to the band thing again. I just want to know the rules and basics of writing...which I am learning. I love theory class. Well I am going to go and depart and hope that my throat feels better. *prays*

This is the last time I'll be there....

A tear runs down my cheek as I turn and walk away.
Away from you and our memories of yesterday.
Those times where everything was easier but with time, the sadness has taken those moments from me.
I know that all you will become is an element of the past,
A simple ideal I once understood but somehow I wont fight for our love.
Why won't I fight? Why won't I scream out to you?
...you are already gone.
Sep. 7th, 2004 @ 09:27 pm

» Refreshed, centered, and ready to move on. A new chapter awaits me....

Well I went back home for the weekend and believe me it was so refreshing. I loved being able to shower on my own, to go to the bathroom on my own, and to just sleep on my own bed. It was great to just be home but then I missed being at West Chester University and being with all my friends. I am really starting to like the area and I feel wonderful being here. I am glad that the whole drama with Kurtis has subsided. Seriously, my relationship with him was turning into something I never wanted. The cycle was becoming vicious and was draining me dry. It was a horrible feeling knowing that I was not thinking about Kurtis during my time here so far. I have been busy trying to make a life for myself and an impact here that loving someone two hours away is completely out of the question. If he were here or not too far........then I would rethink everything but I need to move on. Somewhere down the line I lost the feeling of romance and what it was like to be in love. I cannot blame myself or anyone for that but I lost that vision and I have no idea where it went. Now that I am liberates, I feel a new perspective coming into mind. I want to know what its like to love again. To really be in love. To enjoy every moment and to know that there is someone out there for all of us. In the beginning, I had that vision of love and I was enchanted....but then it ran away on me. This time around I want the story to be different. The people may change but the situations will remain the same. I want to learn again. I want to breathe again. I want to become enchanted again and I hope that somewhere out there can hear my call. I know that someone is and only time will tell. Time is on our sides. It has always been there for us. The future is much brighter and tomorrow is already here. My tomorrow is without you..........so be it. Love will find you elsewhere and I hope that you can love others like you loved me. I am ready to be in love again. Once you have the ticket to that realm, you can always return to someone with open arms. I want to be the romantic optimist that I used to be. There is someone.......time will only speak to me.

Well I am departing......so cya guys.
Sep. 6th, 2004 @ 04:16 pm

» Today=so much better *smiles*

This day has so much better than any of the other days I have had this week. well for one thing I missed my intro to theatre class......OOPS! Do I go or drop? Thats another story. So I was all awake and energetic and my classes went well today. My effectivie writing class isnt too bad and there are some kewl people in that class that are quite opinionated. Opinions=good So after class I was talking to this kid Tim who is a drummer which is kewl. I have been wanting to write music for a long time now so starting a band soon?.......you guys best watch out! (Ha I sounded real ghetto so that was kewl.) Then I went to my first voice lesson and my voice teacher......rocks. She knows what she is doing and will bring my singing to the next level. I was in the room and looking at all her degrees and books and the lesson went so well. She says that I am on the verge of being a tenor and could even be a countertenor. She just wants to get me out of that bass singing mentality and I am so happy. She gave lots of music to work on and lots of technique stuff. She was happy and I was too. OLE!!!! Then I played some Coldplay on the piano for fun.....WOOOT!!! Mastersingers went so well and I loved it! That is going to be a fun group of singers to work with and I talked to Dr. Wyss and she now knows that I am a bari tenor and will soon be a tenor so she will be switching me soon. I am in such a great mood.....this day is what I needed. The best part is........I am playing DDR in a little while with the friends. Phil=happy.....and comfy at WCU. I know I will be faced with challenges but I will do what it takes to overcome those challenges and make the best of my four years here. Life is becoming better and perspective is only half the battle so if you have a positive perspective and an open heart..........you can move mountains. I am ready to move mountains.

On another note I really have to go poo so I am going to do that.

Cya guys!
Sep. 2nd, 2004 @ 05:35 pm

» Doing better but have a lot on my mind

Well today has gone so much better.....for sure. I dropped the lit class and added intro to theatre on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00 am. Oh yeah, another morning class. What a drag. Now that means I have to go and buy another book but wait......I have no money. I went to buy a piano book today but my card was declined so I had to use cash. I am down to fifteen dollars and that wont be enough for gas for the trip home so I had to scream to Mom about it so hopefully she can put money in there. I am so afraid right now and I dont know what to do. I think I am starting to get depressed here. I love being at West Chester but at the same time I am not happy. I know that I have yet to make an impact on this University but I keep thinking too much and second guessing myself. I keep thinking if I will really become a better singer of those good days of being recognized as a good vocalist has ended. I wonder if I will ever be noticed by the staff in the music department or I will slip in the cracks. Some days I just want to slip in the cracks. I dont know why I feel this way. The feeling is so indescribable and I am just afraid I guess of what will happen. I havent been getting enough sleep and I feel physically and emotionally drained. Some days I just want to sleep in all day and screw being here but then that voice inside me tells me that I have to do anything significant on campus. I just want to make an impact but I dont know how. I really see a lot of goals for myself and want to put myself ahead but I just want to cry and not be noticed. I dont want others to see the lonliness I feel sometimes. I dont others to see how depressed and discouraged I can be so I am stuck putting on a happy face and energetically going to class. I really want things to become better and fast. I need a job so I can make money, I want to meet more people, I want to become a better vocalist, I want to me noticed, I want to appreciated.....I know I have these opportunities ahead of me but they arent arriving fast enough so I am frustrated and want life to be better.

I just want to run away sometimes but I cant give up....I am trying guys, really I am
Sep. 1st, 2004 @ 05:29 pm

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» Worn out.......tired..........annoyed............not impressed....want to go somewhere else yet not

Today was an ok day but I feel dissappointed about many many things right now. well first off I am in desperate need of dropping my intro to lit class because I dont like it at all. I need to try to replace it with another class but today was obviously not the day to do that because all the intro to theatre classes were taken so...that really pissed me off. The teachers were so not friendly and I was real upset. I then went to the bookstore to return a book but they wouldnt let me so I wasted almost an hr of life at the bookstore. By the time I got back to the dorm I was upset and angry. Then comes the best part.......mastersingers. Of course I thought this class would rock but I hate the way Dr. Wyss teaches and they put me as a bass. I felt like it was a slap to the face because those tenors are horrible and the basses were bad and cant carry a note. I was not at all impressed and its not like being in old chorus. I played DDR to calm down and that felt good and fun but I dont know what I want to do. I would rather just leave and pursue a career out on Broadway and not have to go to school. I really would feel content getting a voice teacher and a piano teacher and pursuing my own aspirations. I am a free spirit and ahhhhhhhhh I dont know.........I want to transfer or just I dont know...........*GASP!* I dont know what I am going to do because this is a tough decision. I would feel more comfortable going to a conservatory and study only music. *SIGH* I dont know guys..........I just dont know.
Aug. 31st, 2004 @ 09:15 pm

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» Day one of school........I mean college....woot!

Well my first day of college rocked. I love all my classes except for Lit class. That class sucks ass so I am goin to drop it and hopefully take intro to theatre. *crosses fingers* Hopefully my adviser wont disagree or oppose in any way or I'll be quite mad. My aural activites teacher Dr. McVoy is awesome. He is so out there and bizarre. I love it. That class is going to seriously rock. Music theory is going to be interesting too. Dr. Herman is laid back and seems to know a lot about theory. I am happy to finally be learning about something I am really interested in and have a passion for. *smiles* I tested out of Men's chorus and am part of Mastersingers so thats a plus and I met my voice teacher and scheduled Thursday lessons with her so that will be fun. She seems really nice so hopefully she can take my vocal ability to an even higher level. All I really want is to succeed to the fullest of my ability so I hope I can work well with her. Topics in Lit.........what a drag. The professor is some hippy guy who seems all grumpy. I really dont need the class so I dont see why I am taking it. That problem will be solved soon.......at least it better be. I am meeting more awesome people and hung out with them......its all good. I practiced piano today in the practice room and I felt so at home in there. I look forward to practicing and becoming better at what I do. Then after walking around and whatnot I went to the LGBT meeting and that was fun. I didnt expect a large showing but there were a good amount of people there so that was exciting. Becky, Jacq, and Casey also went so that was kewl. I would definitely like to help out in the organization and become involved in civil rights and stuff like that and maybe one day lead the group.....who knows. I met some nice people there and I am glad that West Chester is supportive. So I am pretty much out to my new circle of friends and its a different feeling because I normally didnt tell a lot of people but now I really have nothing to lose and am comfortable with the idea of people knowing. Its a new perspective on that situation and I like it. I am really starting to love it here at West Chester and I know that there are many wonderful things that await me this semester. I just hope to drop topics in lit. Writing on top of writing..........no I dont like it!!!! BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Well I am quite the tired one so I am off to bed. Until tomorrow where I will be awake and a live and whatnot. Till then..........yargh!!!!!!
Aug. 31st, 2004 @ 02:10 am

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» A little more accustomed to college life and ready to make some waves..........big ones. OLE!

Well these past couple of days have been real fun. Between all the wawa runs at 2 am and just hanging out, I am really enjoying myself here at West Chester. I am really glad that I am meeting people who are more.......fun and dont insist on having hair straightening parties. I feel like I belong more with these group of people and we just well.......click. I know its silly for people to click because all around campus I am seeing that everyone is beginning to form groups in one way or another but despite that I still have a lot of friends to make and many wonderful experiences to be had. I cant believe that tomorrow will be a week since I have been here. I have gone through so many emotions this week and a lot of my angst centered on being alone and being afraid to not make an impact on this campus. Now that I have had this week to soak the experience in, I know that I won't have any problems. I feel quite at home here and I am glad that I am feeling so much better. I look forward to school because there are so many clubs and organizations that I want to join. Today me, Casey, Jacq, and Becky were walking around Gay Street (yes that is a name of a street) and we stopped by this campaign place that supported John Kerry. We all signed up and are going to help out in the campaign. I am so excited to become involved. There are so many things I want to do and so many goals that I have for myself and I know that I can achieve all of them. I feel very empowered and ready to begin my college life. It sounds corny but its true. On another note, my parent are coming tomorrow to visit and to help rearrange the room. I look forward to it because the dorm will kick even more ass. OLE!!!! Then to the mall for shopping and DDR!!! I think I have a DDR problem because once school starts I will be on that machine like every other day. That and at Swope hall playing the grand pianos and singing. Life=good

My new friends rock and to those back home..you rock too.

I'll be coming back for labor day weekend to if you guys want to get together then let me know.

I find it annoying that at 12:46am all the shoeres were taken. Thats one thing about college life that I may not et accustomed too.

Happy me be like a clam.

BYES!
Aug. 29th, 2004 @ 01:53 am

» Things are going well.........time for things to begin

Well the Board of Governors Institute is officially over and I have gained some valuable time over the incoming freshman who hadnt moved in yet. A lot of the anxieties that I had about college and being on my own are now extinguished and I am comfortable with being myself on campus. For the first few days I was afraid to express myself because I didnt know how people would take it but now with other college students moving in tomorrow, I am not worried about finding my own niche. I have made some kewl friends and have seen their perspectives on many things but I realize that I want a niche to call my own. A group where I can express myself freely and without and feelings of infringement but I know that with the college experience will coem change. I know that I need to step out of my comfort zone and believe me I will. These first couple of days have given me a taste of what West Chester is all about and I am going to make the most out of it. The time to begin is now.

Ya know what rocks? I get to sleep in tomorrow because I dont have anything to do. I cant wait. Itll be fun to see everyone move in and to just sit back and relax after eing force fed days of orientation. Life rocks and it will keep rocking for the better. I cant wait to meet a whole new realm of people. Phil=happy

The only thing I dont like right now is the humidity. That makes me sad. I wish I could make it winter.........yeah

Word.....lol

Who the hell says word?

Not me

=)
Aug. 26th, 2004 @ 12:45 am

» Well...........I am now in college.

I have had an interesting first few days here at West Chester University. After everyone left Sunday I cried which was probably the first time I really cried like that in a long time. At the time everything hit me and I felt very overwhelmed by the whole idea that I was on my own. I was always on my own but the fact that this was the real thing.....well.....it didnt hit too well with me. I then had to suck up those tears and go to the Board of Governors Orientation. I really didnt want to go because I felt so out of place and alone but I went in there with my happy face on and met some kewl people right off the bat. After the short icebreaker session I went back home and I felt very isolated. I felt so alone and I cried again and again and again. I have never cried so much in my life. I cried because I really didnt know what I had until it was finally gone. I never realized how important my mom and sister realyl were. I never realized how important it was to have my friends with me all the time. I love Kurtis and we are back together. The idea of us being together is very comforting because I really do love him a lot. Anywho.....Monday came along and I was becoming more accustomed to being here and I started to know my way around the campus. I also bought a parking permit for 150 dollars but that solves the problem of finding parking. No cars on campus for freshman........HA! They are dumb. LOL Orientation was so boring and my back was killing me. *GASP!* I still felt lonely and whatnot but I knew that everything would be ok and that it would be a matter of time before things would turn out fine. Today arrived......a real good day. Other than more orientation I felt more at home on the campus and really look forward to meeting more people and having new friendships and experiences. I am still becoming acclimated to my surroundings and that period is almost at a close so my insanity will be unleashed in its due time. I have met some people that I will definitely stay friends with even after the orientation is over. I am beginning to relax and to just be me and to not adapt for anyone else. I miss my friends a lot but this will only strengthen the bond that we all have. When I go back........chaos at Wal Mart can continue. Kurtis.......love him a lot. I really have to pee right now so I think I am going to be but it depends if I feel like getting up to pee. LOL Well I will be goin to pee now. Until tomorrow folks..............yeah

Today's keyword of the day is: Diversity

I am so tired of hearin that word during orientation. *GASP*
Aug. 24th, 2004 @ 11:35 pm